In preparation for Real World Paris...

All-natural beauty, Cleo is the girl-next-door with a heart of gold. Hailing from Chicago, IL, Cleo seems to attract the attention of every guy when she walks in to a room. Aside from her bikini-model body, her natural charisma seems to have guys flocking to her no matter where she goes. Cleo makes friends easily and usually acts as the peacemaker in her circle of friends and family. She's far from just another pretty face--Cleo is a woman of integrity, intelligence and complexity.

Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Identify With: Mallory

Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Hook Up With: Ace

Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Fight With: Christina

Take the Real World Personality Quiz. Note: This quiz is on crack.

Word of the Day

Joel�ar�i�ty (n.) Hilarity that ends in Joel*

*originally coined by Stephanie Spadaro

Thinking about Kids?

Watch this.

a question of vocabulary

Some of you may remember that I asked a few weeks ago if anyone knew what the word "choam" meant. My brother had called his friend a "choam" but he was too embarrassed to tell me what it meant. So I asked everyone I knew, even my students. No one could explain it to me.

Well, we were talking on the phone today, and I told my brother that he and his friends must have made the stupid word up, because no one I know has ever heard of it. "Stephanie," he replied in tones of great disgust that only a 16-year-old boy can have for his hopelessly nerdy older sister. "I called him a choad, not a choam. Just google it and leave me alone."

I still have no idea what a choad is. And I have to admit that it's driving me crazy. Can anybody help? Please?

Also

Headline of the day: French Fries Clog Artery. A semi full of fries overturned on I-94 up in Minnesota.

This Week's Sign

That the apocolypse is upon us.

monkey on back adopt reality tv shows
Unfocus Group pops up in yet another Google search.

Workday Psychedelic Experience I
Work dazzles the senses when one takes the Z.

Hi, it's me again. I just followed the link I provided. Yes, my friends, you caught me. I have genital ulcer disease.

That last paragraph: "Ross earlier produced a documentary called Gay Weddings for the cable net. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, a new series teaming fashion-conscious gay men with fashion-disaster heterosexuals, will bow in July, as well." Ain't it the truth? ...although, you should have seen Jonathan's closet that he and I cleaned out this weekend in preparation for his move... just kidding, hon ;-)

*Giggle*

It's about time... of course Comcast doesn't carry Bravo on basic cable. Maybe DirecTV in my new apartment will. Pay attention to the last paragraph for another interesting (hilarity will definitely ensue) show idea... I need Tivo.

Sports News

Psychic Monkey Picks Ducks To Win Stanley Cup.

Uh, thanks...
Me: I'm feeling better, but I'm not getting a whole lot done. Phooey. :-(
Jon: i'll send you productivity vibes...there, feel that? ;-)

A Modest Proposal

Senders of spam should be forced to sing either Weird Al's "Spam" or the Monty Python spam song once for every piece of spam they send. They're funny songs, but it'll take a while just to get through enough songs for the morons in my inbox.

You know you want it

Click to make this your buddy icon

What I Did Last Night
Ellen, Jon, and I bought Joel at the Big Gay Date Auction. Price: $65. Better be worth every friggin' penny...

Victor keepin' it real as MC

After a long, hard day on Wall Street, I like to adjourn to my Upper East Side penthouse and smoke a bowl. My other interests include fast cars and even faster men. I also enjoy auctioning myself off for fun and profit.

Southern comfort.

Joel also purchased a rather striking gent. Price: $100. (Joel's date is on the left.)

Ryan Rhome's description of the Revolutionary War: "studying for and ultimately taking a history test about drama queen colonists that couldn't handle a few taxes and had a hissy fit"

Friends banning together and buying a date from you: $65
Buying the cutie that sparked everyone's interest: $100
Pissing off the other gay boys because you waaay outbid them: PRICELESS

So I came out to another person today at work (number 4 or 5, but none of the VPs--I'm quickly running out of non-VPs to come out to).

And yes, she thought that Victor (she's never even met him) and I were dating.

I passed Stephanie's comment around the office today and everyone's gotten a big kick out of it, so I think it deserves to show up in the blog and not just buried in a comment somewhere:



I'm so sorry, Cleo. But I do think some people in Madison are mildly retarded, at least as far as renting apartments goes. I asked one landlady today, "So, are there any rodents or bugs in this apartment?" "Of course not," she says. "Sometimes bats will fly in and leave droppings, but you never see them, and that's to be expected when you live in an area full of trees."

Talk about shitholes.

Reality Update

Clearly, West Virginia coal miners protesting a really dumb reality show can come up with a much better one. Read the last paragraphs of this story.

For Elisa

The influence of Texas has spread all the way to New Zealand.

(flees imminent Texas-sized bitchslap)

Exactly what kind of a douchebag are you?!?!?
I'm so very, very angry.

The situation is like this: I had agreed to sublet one-half of my apartment to a woman who just graduated from University of Wisconsin @ Madison. The woman, Mindy, made it clear that she wasn't picky as to who took the second bedroom in the apartment. So, when my roommate and I found a second subletter for the aforementioned second bedroom this morning, I was in ecstasy. The apartment debacle was reconciled! Fireworks shot off. Orchestras played. Men back from the war Frenched their best gals. You get the idea.

So, my roommate called Mindy to let her know that she'll be sharing the apartment from a post-doc chem student from UC Berkeley. During the conversation, Mindy informed my roommate that she wouldn't be taking the apartment -- the apartment was simply too expensive and, besides, it wasn't in adequate condition to warrant the expense (i.e., we're offering up a shithole). And, to make the conversation sweeter, she offered us $300 (half of what we offered it for, already discounted $50) per month for the place. Would we take that?

HELLO, pardon me. As far as apartments in Evanston go, I live in a fairly nice place. Plus, Mindy has to relocate to Evanston for her job. For $300 per month? Yeah, good luck finding shelter. I hear the hobo who squatted in the ally behind The Chicken Shack has since moved on to bigger and better.

What really steams me is this: She offered us a check for the apartment covering rent for THE ENTIRE SUMMER upon viewing the place the other night. "No no no," we said. "To protect everyone, we're taking care of it through our building's company blah blah blah." Fuckers.

Now, we're back to square one. We have half of an apartment available. We still need to sign our lease by week's end. Any takers?

I was reading Newsweek, and they had a little roundtable on Reality TV. The sidebar on page 60, "9 Terrible Ideas" is what cracked me up. Here it is, retyped by me, since it's not online:

"NEWSWEEK polled reality-TV creators and executives for the most outlandish pitches they've ever heard. It gives us no joy to report that all of these are 100 percent real. OK, it gives us a lot of joy.

1. 'I've Got A Monkey On My Back!' - Contestants face off in a cross-country relay raace, only instead of passing a baton, they hand off...a monkey. The producer who heard this pitch immediately (and jokingly) suggested a spin-off called 'I've Got A Goat On My Shoulder!'

2. 'Will You Adopt Me?' - Preteen orphans and potential foster families meet on television. American votes on which kid gets which family.

3. 'Human Autopsy' - A one-time special depicting an actual autopsy. Alternate title: 'CSI: My Auntie.'

4. 'Who Wants To Donate Their Sperm?' - Like 'The Bachelorette,' except the woman doesn't want the guy -- just his DNA. Nine months later, the woman delivers the baby on live TV.

5. Untitled 'Bachelorette' Rip-Off - In which the woman has a big surprise for her potential Prince Charmings: a penis.

6. 'Strip Search' - In the 'Star Search' tradition, a contest to find America's best stripper. It's 'American Idol' with lap dances.

7. 'Mail-Order Brides' - OK, this one's just sick: men choose between, say, a Thai bride and an Ethiopian bride.

8. 'Convict Island' - Real prisoners try to escape from a real prison. The winner's victim(s) get the prize money.

9. 'Pimp House' - Six real-life pimps together in a house. No challenges, no voting. They just live in the house and they pimp."

---

I find it both amusing and frightening that the only one they've dubbed truly sick is the Mail-Order Brides one. I'd say the adoption one and the convicts also rate pretty high on my ick-o-meter. They all do, but those three in particular.

Also, I think the Untitled "Bachelorette" ripoff is getting a little too close to Cleo's "Joe Queer" idea (for the uninitiated, basically, Joe Millionare, except instead of actually being poor, he's actually gay).

Who wants to bet that now that this has run, at least one of these shows will actually be made? My money's on the Monkey one, because of film grad student Phil Crippen's (correct, in my book) theory that Americans are endlessly amused by anything with a monkey.

The Texas Fireball Could Strike Again

OK, I am pissed. Yessire, Bob, the Texas Fireball is a blazin' and ready to set her sights on a new target. The scary thing is that I am headed down the the beacon of Republicanism (I include all of the GOP-card carriers in my family as a microcosm of the state of Texas) this evening, and I feel that my rage could make me act rashly. Who knows? Maybe my grandpa could talk me into an AK-47? He's been trying to for years. Be afraid, be very afraid.

All exaggeration and firearms aside. Here's what pissed me off. Sorry to bore all of the non-j-freaks in this joint.

Report: Blair 'couldn't stop laughing' at Times correction

"Kid, who ever you are--YOU ROCK!!!"
Shout out to the "Star Wars Kid."

Courtesy of Boing Boing. (Also in Boing Boing: Ho Couture.)

Fair Warning

If I catch any of you wearing one of these, I'm going to have to kill you.

BIG GAY DATE AUCTION
Thursday, May 22, 8pm
Norris, The Gathering Place

Come drive up my price and make me feel not cheap for a change...
I promise to make an ass out of myself!

Gay porn at Barnes & Noble:
http://www.advocate.com/new_news.asp?ID=8692&sd=05/20/03

Where the Wild Things Are

I used to think that all the whackjobs networked around the corner from my apartment to make my life sporadically amusing and generally weird. But, I was wrong: They really get their freak on in San Francisco and New York City, if the Best of Craigslist is to be believed. Some of my favorite bizarre posts:

was he a pirate? - NYC

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THE MUTATED SUBWAY ROACH ON MY LEG - NYC

Superglue Lesbian - NYC

For Trade: my breasts for yours - SF

Will trade boyfriend, cats, mom for David Sedaris tickets. - SF

Let's Go Destroy Stuff - SF

The Guy Who Grabbed My Package Today - SF

To the bitch who stole my sandwich - NYC

Drink 'n Drive

Given this weekend's festivities, I thought it would be appropriate to recount one of those "If only I had one of those damn picture phones" moments (yes, I find Catherine Zeta-Jones invading my thoughts at this moment with that sassy "I told you so" look). Ray and I are driving down Springfield Road, a fairly busy avenue in C-U, when we notice that the green Honda in front of us was carrying something on its roof. Ray speeds up to see if we can discern the object, and we soon identify it as Sam Adam with his glass raised high--an entire six-pack of Weissbeer--teetering on the edge of the driver's side of the roof. To make it even more exciting, the owner of the green Honda and its accompanying stunt show is a smoker, whose arm keeps flicking the ashes out of the window. All it would take is one pothole (of which there are many on this road), one wrong turn, or just dumb luck, and this unsuspecting man would not only be short his bruskies and his cigarette (a tragedy), but could get a hell of a bruise on his arm (if not worse). Being the good samaritans, when it comes to beer of course, that we are, we flicked our lights and honked our horn to try to get his attention, but the nicotine must have been too inviting. He just bounced on down the road, six pack centimeters away from suicide.

Unfortunately, this sad story has no end. Ray and I had to turn away, but I don't think I will ever buy a sixer of beer without escorting it into the front seat of my car.

Spotted on the Office Bulletin Board

NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE
DOGGING.

To everyone who considers themselves at least semi-attractive, but who doesn't have anyone to fornicate with: If these people are doing it, you're doing something wrong. You clearly have some sort of deficiency in your soul.

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun

Well I thought I was a good person...

I think all those questions about attraction to the same sex and masturbation did me in...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!

Thanks, New York Times. My directionless, pathetic existence has been validated now that you've accepted and legitimized blogging. No no no, New York Times. Thank YOU!

Well, at least it couldn't get much worse...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

I just bought two dozen condoms from condomania.com. Like they'll ever get used...

Joel versus Ellen

Is it splooge or spooge? Register your opinions here.

"If I could rearrange the world for you, I'd make all the boys queens." ~Me
"And if I could rearrange the world for you, I'd make all the boys men and the men MBAs with a heart of gold."~Joel

Movin' on Up

The guy from the management company at the building I wanted called this morning to let me know my application was approved (don't even have to have my dad cosign it) so guess who's moving at the end of June and finally getting away from my shithead landlord. My new apartment (pay no attention to the price on the ad--I got a much better rate) is nice and big and airy with hardwood floors. No more poo poo brown carpet for me!! I also get two months free rent!

And YES, this means there will be painting and moving parties upcoming, as well as a housewarming to end all housewarmings!

Picture-in-Picture
It's standard form to watch the first movie before the sequel to get familiar and/or reacquianted with the plot. I get that. But is it really necessary to bring a portable DVD player to the theater and watch the first in the series while the sequel is playing? Some kids sitting a couple rows ahead of me during a showing of The Matrix Reloaded apparently thought this was good form. Trouble was, the sound from their portable interferred with the actual screening I was hoping to see/hear. I asked them to turn up their volume, but they ignored me.

I miss Kristin

Kristin: i think there is something wrong w/ me
Kristin: what is it joeL?
Joel: I dunno
Kristin: i want to know so i can fix it
Joel: we've been trying to figure it our for years ;-)
Kristin: biotch
Joel: I suppose I could ask the same question
Kristin: hmm....
Kristin: i think u need to cut ur fingernails
Joel: I did

Cleo's So Sweet... In Her Way

SweetiePrint: see, i totally understand why i'm not seeing anybody. you -- i can't figure that out.
SweetiePrint: because you're young, you're gay, you're kind of intelligent, generally nice, and could conceivably be attractive to gay men of similiar disposition

I think I did something wrong

According to Cleo's Soulmate Calculator, "[I] have to meet 1 homosexual males who are between 19 and 26 years old who are living in your city or are willing to move there."

Umm, I know I'm not picky, but I'm pickier than that...

Lucky No. 10,864,441
That's how many male American heterosexual singles I have to meet in order to find my soulmate. The venerable Soulmate Calculator uses data provided by the U.S. Census Bureau and the National Center for Health Statistics, plus information that you plug into a handy-dandy form, to derive the probability of finding that special person.

According to the National Weather Service, the odds of being struck by lightning in a lifetime (80 years) is 1 in 3,000. According to USA Today, the odds of being killed in gunfire is 1 in 18,900. And, according to The Learning Channel, the odds of dying while trying to cross the street is 1 in 50,000; the odds of dying from falling down a flight of stairs is 1 in 1,000,000 (it doesn't count if you're pushed); and, the odds of dying of cancer is 1 in 4.

So, basically, all these things could feasibly happen in my lifetime, and I would still be without my soulmate... If I believed in that sort of thing...

Just When You Thought Money Couldn't Get Any Fuglier...

...they reveal the new $20 bill, with "enhanced security features and background colors."

Translation: It's not just CEO's playing Monopoly anymore, kids! It's all of us!

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! I just realized I'm moving outta Ev,IL in 2.5 weeks! I still don't have a subletter! All this didn't hit home until today, when my new landlord asked Jessi and I to come in and sign the lease. Arrrghhh! I have no idea what I'm doing!

http://www.ouchytheclown.com/

I dropped everything today and spent an hour cleaning my desk

Ch-ch-ch-changes
"I'm gonna come back and y'all be saying, 'Hey, what's the secret handshake?' And I'll be like, 'Shit, secret handshake? What fucking handshake? I'm a going to knock you up the side of your fucking head. Sheeiit...'" ~Cooper, in reference to the changes in Evanston since graduation

One Badass Motha...
Ever asked your Mom if she's fooled around with another woman? Or christened every room in the house you grew up in? In honor of Mother's Day, Nerve, that cultivator of high-brow smut, subjected their staffers to getting sex advice from their mothers.

And call your Mom, dammit.

BustyPrint: you're moving into a new apt, too
BustyPrint: which will, in turn, lead to a greater sense of well-being
BustyPrint: you'll get a new computer, which will also lead to a greater sense of well-being
BJoel SC: better porn too
BustyPrint: precisely
BustyPrint: i was going to say it, but you nipped my crass commentary in the bud earlier
BustyPrint:

What the fuck?

Hi there-

I hate to sound like a neat nick, and I know we are space limited, but one of (big boss man)'s pet peeves is messy desks. He instilled this very early on to (VP #6) and (mid-level employee).. look at their desks - there desk are amazing. Anyway, if you could try to keep things as straightened up as possibly, that would be great. No big deal, but it is always good to keep him happy!!

Thank you.
(VP #10)

R.I.P. Jake

(A.K.A. Thoughts on Childhood Regression III)

One of my favorite Web sites, Romp, is no more. Romp featured numerous Flash animation games and cartoons. Of particular favoritude was Booty Call, an interactive cartoon in the Choose Your Own Adventure storytelling format.

The premise was simple: You assisted Jake, notorious man with the L.D. (Long Dick), get laid. The player chose where Jake went, what he said, and what he did. Along the way, Jake encountered many obstacles and choices: which pickup line should he open with; should he offer his babe another hit of X before going down on her; and, should he continue making out with the she-male, or have it smoke a bowl? Make a wrong move, and Jake's buddies, girls, strangers, or the police would humiliate or attack him, leaving him angry, bleeding, horny and strung out. He even OD'd on occasion. Make all the right moves, and Jake got treated to wet hot 2-dimensional sex. There were more than 30 episodes in all, with such descriptive titles as "Hat Trick," "Wall Street," "Threesome," and "Mile High Club."

Cooper, Eddy, Conci and I used to drink shitty Shmirnoff Twist/Sprite concoctions and play the game into the wee hours. Here's another portion of my youth slipping away...

Cleo: Yeah, I was the designated driver on Friday night
Eric: What?!?!?!?!?
Jonathan: It's like a solar eclipse - rare, but special and wonderous.

Hmm, I got an e-mail from "ferretlovers"...

Why are there currently two poorly done remixes of one of my favorite songs of all time, Don Henley's Boys of Summer?

Gotta Vent

My landlord has proven once again that he's a FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Some previous history:

• When I originally called about the apartment, he said it would be ready the last week of June. It wasn't ready until July 5th, and I was imposing on Victor's couch until I was able to move in. They had just finished remodeling, and the landlord was lax on having the apartment cleaned, so I did that myself.
  
• Less than a month after moving in, shower and toilet stop draining; prompt phonecall made to landlord; situation resolved 10 days later (Ellen can attest to this as I was showering at her place quite frequently); compensation: half rent taken off for each day without shower
  
• Plumbing goes out again--only two days this time
  
• When I first moved in, I called ComEd to have the power switched over to my name. This apparently never happened. About 5 months after this, my landlord informs me that he's been receiving the power bill, and that he would have it changed over. He never did this. My power gets cut off a few months later (they apparently had sent him multiple notices, none of which I was informed about). He takes two days to return my phone call--meanwhile I got everything worked out with ComEd myself.
  
• I've taken care of a bunch of stuff in the apartment myself--I put up a towel bar and toilet paper hanger, mailboxes, and shelves. It took 10 MONTHS for the contractor to come back and fix my closet doors, and even then it was unannounced and at 9am on a Monday morning (if I hadn't been running for late for work, I wouldn't have been home and nothing probably would have been done).
  

So today I call to talk about renewing my lease--i.e. when I should let him know if I wanted to and find out if the rent was going to go up. He informs me that he was placing an ad for my apartment tomorrow and that I should have informed him months ago that I wanted to renew the lease, and that this was all in the lease. Well I checked the lease, and there was nothing in there about this, but it may have been in the three riders, which I signed and promised copies of, that I of course never got. So he tells me that I have to let him know tomorrow because he might not be able to get someone to rent it by June, at which point I informed him that MY LEASE IS THROUGH JULY! So I have until the end of the week to decide, but I had made my decision before I even got off the phone...

P.S. Joel - YES, YES, YES!!! What've you got to lose, right? Tell us all when it's going to happen and we'll come and drive your price up! mwah ha ha...

Meditations on A Childhood Regression II (this one's mine)
I too, like Cleo had a thing for boxes as a child. Whenever my folks got anything that came in a big enough box, my sister and I would turn it into something - a clubhouse, a "washing machine," etc. Most often though, I would "mail" my sister places in the box. Eliza's 21 now and just barely 5' tall, so she always fit into boxes, no problem. We would throw a ton of blankets and pillows in there and then she'd get in and I'd shake the box around, narrating the trip to the post office, onto the plane, and open it up in some exotic place (often Abu Dabi) and screech "oh no, I didn't order this, I'll have to send it back." And away we'd go, bumping and shaking.

Oh dear...

I've scored the same as Joel on the horny quiz. I'll spare everyone posting the picture and the misspellings again, but this can't be good...