We're not as evil as I had hoped...

Worst Commute Ever
So I'm running late for work this morning. Normally, I would take the Lincoln Park/Lakeview shuttle to work, but since I overslept, I decided to take a cab to the commuter train station. I hail a cab from outside my apartment building, and tell the driver where I'd like to go. As we set off, I notice that we're heading in the wrong direction. "No problem," I think to myself, "he just needs to turn around." After a few minutes of traveling in the wrong direction--

Me: Excuse me--where are we going?
Cab Driver (pointing at the El tracks just ahead): The train station.
Me: Oh! I said the Ravenswood Metra station, on Ravenswood and Lawrence--

At that moment, another car cut in front of the cab. My cab driver proceeds to shout "I'm sorry" repeatedly and, at first, I thought this was directed toward the other driver. I was wrong--he was shouting at me. I was totally confused.

Cab Driver: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

He pulls the cab over to the curb.

Cab Driver: YOU FUCKING LOWLIFE! GET OUT! DON'T WASTE MY TIME!

In shock, I scrambled out of the cab and onto the street. I couldn't even muster any wrath to say anything. What the hell? I didn't realize I was a lowlife--I guess my leather boots, Banana Republic skirt, and cashmere/wool blend coat gave me away.

Best Headline of the Day

Clay Rams Rod on Chart

Babe: First Blood
"According to the Muslim faith, a terrorist who touches a pig is not eligible for the 70 virgins in heaven." Which explains why an organization has begun training "guard pigs" to protect Jewish settlements in the West Bank. In a related story, settlers are now receiving vials of holy water to ward off vampires.

Courtesy Drudge.

Wow

And you thought Fox News was stupid before....

Courtesy Fark.

GAAAAAAAAAH

News Flash: Republicans Are Being Assholes About Gays (Again).

When I read some of these comments, it takes every ounce of restraint I have not to put my fist through my computer screen in frustration at the narrow-mindedness of some people....

Halloween @ Work
Victor: There are so many fun things I'd like to do for Halloween decorations, for my pumpkin, that wouldn't be appropriate for the office...
Me: Like what? Herpes pumpkin?
Victor: Yeah... Herpes pumpkin... (Names various diseases for pumpkin decorations.) So many fun things...

Mono Mania

Oh Tylenol with Codeine
My how you're grand
You take my cares away
Generic or brand.

Point blank question
Just answer it. Nathaniel Heatwole or Steve Bartman?

Mr. Misery
On the occasion of his untimely death, I offer my top 4 Elliott Smith songs from movie soundtracks.
4. "Because." Beatles cover, from the "American Beauty" soundtrack. It played over the closing credits.
3. "Miss Misery." The song that brought him a mainstream audience after it was nominated for an Academy award. From "Good Will Hunting."
2. "Needle in the Hay." It played during Richie's suicide attempt in "The Royal Tenenbaums." Smith is thought to have committed suicide.
1. "Waltz #2 (XO)." This song appears on the soundtrack of my life. The chorus goes: "I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow."

Maxim's Creative Headlines.

As reported in the NY Times.

Costume Ideas

Halloween is just around the corner...

Who is Wendy?
**edited to protect the anonymous**

Really, are we at all surprised?

Congratulations!! You're a colorful and
sophisticated Cosmopolitan!!


What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

In Need of Advice
Say you spent the night at your significant other's place, and now you're arriving at your apartment early in the morning to prepare for a day at the office. As you climb the steps to your apartment, you notice that the front door to your home is wide open, and the lights are on. You get a little nervious--someone could have broken in, and still be there!--and as you peek around each corner you notice that the place is pretty trashed. The back door is also wide open. Then you see that your roommate is sleeping in her bed, and there are wine and beer bottles everywhere--there was a party. OK. People who are partying obviously don't know how to close and lock doors. Then you make your way to your room. There's someone you're not very familiar with sleeping in your bed. You have to get ready for work, so you try and wake them and get them to move to the couch. They refuse to move. When they finally leave, you're relieved. You shower. You return to your room. And that person is back in your bed. Soaking wet, you barge into your roommate's room for assistance...

Now you're at work and fuming. Before you left for work, you left a note for your roommate that read, "We need to talk." When that time comes, how should you handle this situation?

Ack!
Ack!

*Patrick keels over*

Bad Cubs Fan Update
The Sun-Times identified the gent you see below. My company's PR spokesman also sounds off.

This guy?

Cubs v. Marlins Game 6 Controversy
OK, I'm going to assume y'all don't live under a rock and watched Game 6 of the NCLS last night. You know that dude who interfered with Alou's catch in the 8th inning, the guy who had to be taken into the custody of Cubs security due to angry fans and threats? He works at my company, in the building just across the street from my office.

You Know You've Crossed The Line When...

...Angelina Jolie goes, "All right, now that's just too much. Even for me. And I married Billy Bob Thornton for chrissake!"

UNLV student paper to be investigated
"To relieve stress in the newsroom, Kominsky said staff members often post jokes about each other on paper and on computers around the room.

"When a sexual comment was posted about Kominsky last month, she said she was not offended until a former male staffer inquired about the joke numerous times during the day. Kominsky said the student also asked her out on a date that same day even though she told him she had a boyfriend."

Read more...

A Useful Tool

For the drunkards among us.

For you straight boys out there

Joel: Today is National Coming Out Day
Joel: Kristin, I have something to tell you
Joel: I'm straight
Kristin: OH MY GOD
Kristin: WHAT R U THINKING?
Kristin: R U SURE?

"Man, you gotta tell her her soap opera's been cancelled." ~Harry, on stupid drama queens in the office

Mark Greer is my hero.

And he should be yours too.

And You Thought The Madness Was Over

In E! News' post-recall recap, they have updates on some of the pseudo-celebrity candidates' further plans. My personal favorite:

"Mary Carey joked that she was moving back to Florida upon learning Schwarzenegger, and not she, had been elected governor. But it was just a joke. California is where she makes her living as an adult film star. Her next opus, she said on the Game Show Network Tuesday night, will be Mary Carey for Governor, costarring Ron Jeremy as fellow failed gubernatorial candidate Cruz Bustamante."

You Know It's Coming Here

Japanese TV show shows people losing their virginity, live on camera.

Masked and anonymous (and fabulous)
An Englishman calling himself Angle-Grinder Man is traveling all over London removing security boots from people's illegally parked cars. While on the job he wears a cape and gold lame underpants; needless to say, he has already become a gay icon.

On A Lighter Note

This child is going to have some fucked up hair.

President Bush proclaimed October 12-18 "Marriage Protection Week."

From The Advocate website:
Endorsing a campaign by such anti-gay groups as the Southern Baptist Convention, the American Family Association, and the Christian Coalition, President Bush on Friday proclaimed October 12-18 "Marriage Protection Week." As part of their coordinated effort, far right groups are using the week to distribute anti-gay church bulletins to over 70,000 churches. In addition, Christian radio shows will schedule programming all week on banning same-sex marriages. The groups hope to make the debate over same-sex marriage--along with the proposed Federal Marriage Amendment--the number 1 social issue in the 2004 general election.
In his proclamation, Bush said, "Marriage is a sacred institution, and its protection is essential to the continued strength of our society. Marriage Protection Week provides an opportunity to focus our efforts on preserving the sanctity of marriage and on building strong and healthy marriages in America."
He continued, "Marriage is a union between a man and a woman, and my administration is working to support the institution of marriage by helping couples build successful marriages and be good parents."


TAKE ACTION! It's SO easy! Click here and fill in your name and it'll send an e-mail to President Bush to protest this ridiculous action.

Sigh
So close, yet so far.

This is why men waving huge bundles of dough on the corner of Sheffield and Addison will forever rule the world.

Ladieeeeees and Gentlemen

Innnnntroducing the United States Government's newest adventure in butt-ugliness, coming Thursday to an ATM near you! (/announcer voice)

Actually, I remember when the new 20's came out in October '98 (not '96 as this article claims...Coop, check your fact-checkers), because I was in NYC looking at colleges.

The hotel my mom and I were staying at was right across from the Roseland Ballroom, and Liz Phair was playing, so of course I went to the show. I wouldn't dare doing anything as cultural as going to a Broadway show while staying right off of Broadway.

Anyway, while waiting to get in, I was standing by an ATM, and I remember two blondes getting the new bills, taking one look at them, and one going, "Oh, EW."

I wonder how those two would react to this year's monetary fashion emergency...

"A nervous chicken should not vote for Colonel Sanders." ~Jesse Jackson

Workday Meditation
Why oh why do consultants schedule client meetings from 5-6 p.m., when your regular hours are 7:30-4:30? Humph.

Leocol?
So, I hear Leo Ebersole, formerly of the Communications Residential College and the Daily Northwestern, has a new column in youth rag Red Eye Chicago. Has anyone seen this column yet? It's not on Red Eye's miser of a Web site.

On Behalf of the LGBT Community...

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Smell of Chicago

Friday is the first playoff home game for the Cubs. Chicago is currently in the midst of a garbage strike.

Cleo, I hope you have a clothespin to put on your nose...

"It's not really advocating sex between two people." ~me, in advertising class, on the ethics of using sex in advertising, particularly the Herbal Essences commercials

The prof turned bright red

Now That's A Hook

The opening paragraph of this story certainly gets your attention:

"Sometimes the way to a man's heart can be through his rib cage with an 8-inch butcher knife."

Looney Toons

Ellen: k back
Joel: WOO WOO
Ellen: (does a little dance)
Joel: (makes a little love)
Ellen: (gets down tonight)
Joel: (gets down tonight)

To Tivo or not to Tivo?

I'm so tempted to go pick up a Tivo satellite receiver for $100 with a $50 rebate...

I am drunk

More details to follow tomorrow, but it was a damn good night!