Holiday Memory #5

Background: Joel's dad's family always gathers on Christmas Eve for dinner and gift exchange so that the respective sub-families can go to the spouse's parents' on Christmas day or the family can stay at home. Also key to this Holiday Memory is the fact that Joel's aunt is a genuine hippie (the vanity plate on her BMW says "Crunchy").

Scene: Joel (in Florida) is on the phone with his aunt (who is at his dad's house for Christmas Eve)

Joel's Aunt: I'm going to be teaching classes at the local community college.
Joel: Did you get a tweed jacket? [since she's going to be a professor]
Joel's Aunt: No, but I did buy I bra. I thought that if I was going to have a grown-up job, I'd better have a bra.

Holiday Memory #4

Scene: At home, Joel's mom is fondling a mohair sweater

Joel's mom: I'm not even sure what a mo is.
Joel: um, well...
Joel's mom: *laughs hysterically*

Holiday Memory #3

Scene: Joel, his brother, and his grandfather are in the car, Joel is driving.

Joel's brother: Yeah, I need to lose about 15 or 20 pounds.
Joel's grandfather: Get you a girlfriend and hammer it for an hour or two--that'll do it.

I nearly drove off the road.

Later, there was a conversation concerning edible panties--again, I nearly killed us.

The Light Bulb always brightens during the Holidays...

#1

So I was walking toward the parking lot yesterday from Norris, and as I sometimes do when I'm by myself, I started singing quietly outloud... Yes, I know, just when you thought I couldn't get any weirder...

The trouble is, I sometimes don't even realize that I'm singing. A song starts running through my head and sooner or later I'm quietly humming, whistling or singing it outloud.

So yesterday as I'm walking past the Barber theatre near the Arts Circle, I was quietly singing "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" -- you know, the season and all...

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I notice someone sitting on a bench along the Arts Circle turn and look at me. It's an old man, and he just sorta stares at me as if to say, "What the hell are you doing: singing to yourself?? You goofy fruit!" Needless to say I quickly shut-up and scurried just a little bit quicker to the garage...

#2

I was lighting my menorah last night ON TOP OF THE ALL-WOODEN HUTCH in my dining room. What the hell am I thinking? I don't even have a fire extinguisher in the house, much less a working smoke detector...

Then I started thinking about how much of my house is wood - the floor, the archways, the doors, the dining room table and chairs... I feel like I'm living inside one big matchbook.

Holiday Memory #1.5 (forgot about this one)

Scene: Living room

My mom: *looks at gift I wrapped before flying down in expensive paper with pretty purple leaves* What is that paper!? Did you just have them wrap it in the [ugly] store paper in case security had to rip it open?

Long-Term Relationship Bliss
*Scene: Sitting with boyfriend on bed in bedtime attire, working on our respective laptops.*

Boyfriend (after I told him a story involving some college hijinks): God, didn't you guys have anything better to do?!?! I was out at the bars, drinking and getting chicks.
Me (smirking, recalling his rule about never hooking up or calling back girls he met in bars): Yeah, you were really good at that.
Boyfriend (flustered): Fuck you.

Holiday Memory #2

Scene: K-mart, home of the Bluelight Special and the rationally challenged

Manager-type woman: *to clerk* Don't start hyperventilating--I can't afford for you to drop dead on me until after Christmas.

Florida Update

DEAR GOD GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

That is all.

Something to Brighten Joel's Day... Maybe...
I printed out this photo, among others, and pinned it to the bulletin board in my office. Recently, some coworkers were complaining that they had yet to see a picture of the boyfriend, and therefore wondered if he was, in fact, a real person. So I escorted them into my office to take a look...

Carol and Kristie (in unison, pointing to Joel): Who's that cutie?!!?!
Me: Oh, my friend Joel.
Carol (nudging me): Oh, I see...
Me: He's gay.
Kristie: That's too bad.

Even more recent, some people around the office were discussing holiday plans.
Me: I'm going to Myrtle Beach for New Year's.
Carol: With [the boyfriend]?
Me: No, I'm going with Joel.
Carol: Oh, he's the cute one, right?
Me (wondering why she never compliments my boyfriend's looks): Yeah, I guess...
Carol (sighing): He's sucha cutie.

Holiday Memory #1

Scene: Outback Steakhouse

Joel's brother: *Orders his meal, anticipating the waitress's questions and being a bit rude*
Joel's brother: Did you see how professionally I did that?
Joel's grandfather: Let's see how professional you are when the check comes.

Touché grandpa, touché.

Carson to Saddam: We All Get Caught In An Embarrassing Hole Every Once In A While

So, I've finished buying presents for the family; sent them all today. I'm almost done buying gifts for others. There's nothing happening at the office. I'm bored bored bored. I'm beginning to stress myself out by simply being bored. Please do something to entertain me. Dance a jig or sing a pretty little tune or tell me about your obsession with b-list celebrities. Anything will brighten my day.

On Angels in America

Joel: god, why is it that I get turned on when two men kiss, regardless of the scenario
Ellen: because you're horny
Ellen: and male.
Ellen: and gay.
Ellen: in that order.

What do YOU want for Christmas / Hanukkah / Non-Denominational Holiday Season?

Me, I want for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in perfect peaceful harmony... screw that, I want a boyfriend with a big... ribbon.

Being the big dork that I am...

I'm thinking about doing this with my old laptop. Maybe even going a step beyond and making it into a TV...

Comments?

Later, He Transformed Into Optimus Prime

"And at a press conference Sunday night, coach Randy Walker's engine was revving."
From The Daily Northwestern.

Don't tell Victor

"As Mark Simpson has written of metrosexual icon and $43 million soccer star David Beckham, 'He sucks corporate cock with no gag reflex.'"

From an article on The Buysexual Agenda.

They love us, they Really do! OK, no they don't...

Today while I was using the power of Google to search for an article that had been posted on the blog, I was shocked to find that we've actually been categorized on Google under Computers > Internet > On the Web > Weblogs > Collaborative. However, I was more shocked when I read the description: "Obtuse commentary by obtuse people."

Are we obtuse? Do I know what that means? I think not.

Statement of Note: Thanksgiving '03
The bf and I were waiting for an elevator after checking into our Miami Beach accomodations. We were chatting about how the other guests didn't seem to fit type of holiday travelers we had expected: some were elderly tanarexics in scant swim attire, others were carrying 24-packs of the High Life through the expansive lobby whilst covered in sweat, sand, and oil. There were two preteen girls -- sisters, I could only assume -- who walked past us as we entered the elevator.

Older Sister (to Younger Sister): I can't wait to suck your ass!

What A Treat!

Instead of seeing Sharpton on SNL this Saturday, the AP reports that "KWWL viewers in the Waterloo, Iowa, area will get to watch three infomercials pitching the Miracle Blade, Total Trolley and something titled 'Attacking Anxiety.'"

You can have your holidays your way.

Hey gang,

For all of you Wildcats fans out there who are still calculating how much your brain is worth after attending the wonderful institution on the lake, check out Telander's column. I still haven't gotten to the bottom line yet and I still have a strong suspicion that I am also still in the red. Oh well, Zubscuttling made it worth it.

The next trend in Internet dating?

BadonkaDate

It's Joel-tastic

In other news, I'm in South Carolina. Ha.

Rumsfeld wins "Foot in Mouth" award

The Plain English Campaign has awarded Donald Rumsfeld the coveted "Foot in Mouth" award for the following comment:

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

The runner up... Ahnuld, of course: "I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."

The full story