Wrigleyvillians IV

I think a phenomenon known as Assmosis is taking over my neighborhood. Some of you may recall the thong-tha-thong-thong-thong in my courtyard a couple of weeks ago. It seems, my friends, that the ass terrorists are indeed winning the battle. For, spotted at the corner of Addison and Southport on Thursday night (it wasn't even the freakin' weekend yet!!!):



Right in front of a pizza joint.

I expect to see "Missing Thong" fliers all over the 'hood.

Mark, now I totally hate you in a totally envious way

So, not only does Mark get to go to Hawaii for two friggin' weeks for WORK (ha!), but the organization he's representing just made news today:

American Psychological Association Backs Gay Marriage.

Making headlines from Hawaii. I'm so jealous.

Everything must be blogged I

Weeks ago, Chef Eric and I traveled to the exotic playpen that is the Gold Coast to party with frat boys, pre-teen hussies, midgets, and assorted topless women. Somewhere between the hurricanes and the watered-down Miller Lite, things took a serious turn for the weird.

Eric was having a good time. What a dandy!


Erm...

Un. Tucked.

NYTimes lashes back at one of it's own for this

"i pack up my thing and go home"

Ah, the weird shit of eBay....

Rent a friend ****FUN FUN FUN**** Human Body

Also, am I the only person completely freaked out by this "versatile, effective sack"?

Joel? Interested?

This Week's Sign That The Apocolypse Is Upon Us

You can now purchase some overpriced red string for Kabbalah purposes at Target. For 25 bucks.

Oy.

Those Wacky Brits

I should be more mature than this, but this article about what is apparently an English dish called a faggot sent me into hysterical giggling fits.

The picture of the proud family wearing "FAGGOT FAMILY" sashes is just priceless, as is the fact that the contest is sponsored by Mr. Brain's Faggots.

If this were not on the BBC site, I'd swear it was an Onion story.

Squidilicious

In what is becoming one of my favorite sites on the web, Gizmodo editor Joel Johnson treats us to this gem:

Also, reheated fried calamari has the delicate taste and texture of a cockring. Take the necessary flavor precautions.

Hear ye, Hear ye

As part of the neverending redesign process, I am inviting everyone (ahem, Casey) to submit a logo for the Unfocus Group.  It should be banner style (i.e. rectangle), and embody the true spirit of the UFG.  I'll post the entries for consideration, or I may just make an executive decision.

A heartbreaking work of staggering genius

Our very own Cooper explores the depths of human existence in this groundbreaking photo exhibition. Note that Cooper's, ahem, pictorial alternates between the sublime experience of the beach and the hard knock life that only a true thug knows. Courtesy patrickcooper.com.

Courtesy of an in the closet fan of the Unfocus Group

Divine Interventions: Home of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and more!

Vegas Luv

In honor of Ellen revisiting the location of her hetero liaison, I suggest that we take a stroll down memory lane and revisit New Year's 2003.

I didn't realize they sold bunnies on Amazon

Lend me your time and Web browser for a moment--I need you to do me a favor. Follow these instructions:

1. Go to Amazon.com
2. In the Search sidebar on the left, type "sex and the city" (no quotation marks)
3. Review all the results (be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom of the page)

Am I the only one that finds this just a little strange? I guess I'm not as bitter and jaded as I previously thought. I mean, if I can't find these same items in my urban Target, I don't expect to see them on Amazon.

An unlikely partnership

Just when you thought it was safe to go to your mailbox!  The USPS gets desparate

Drink your doughnut

Just in time!  And at 740 calories, why not drink your doughnut?

Greetings From Las Vegas, Nevada

The picture of the screen didn't come out too well, but that is a twinkie she's...enjoying.

I didn't feel anything

"Oh my God!!! That's orgasmic!!!"
-Exclaimed by a project manager after I informed her that a project I've been working on for a year is near completion

Has Cleo been to Maryville, TN?

Cheesy, nude Monn arrested
 
MARYVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- Michael P. Monn's birthday celebration went a little awry when he was arrested while drunk, nude and covered with nacho cheese.

EDIT: My favorite part of this story is that if you liked it, you can get customized e-mail alerts in the areas of "Offbeat," "Theft," and "Sex Crimes."

Tucked or un-tucked?

I've always prefered un-tucked. Nice to know my fashion sense was just ahead of it's time...

Wrigleyvillians III

It's 9 a.m. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. I'm making my way through my apartment's courtyard to get to the grocery store and the gym. What's this?



I take a step closer. It can't be.



Oh yes, it is. Who the hell would wear a purple thong? Furthermore, why is this shit in my courtyard near my front gate? It boggles.



That's it. It's time to move.

*bitch moan grumble grumble*

Yes, I'm aware that comments aren't appearing on the site. We're working on it. 
 
UPDATE: Comments are back. Rejoice.

How did he know

As I'm walking through the thick of Cubs fans on the way home tonight, a kid all of 13 or 14 says to me:

"Do you need a strong man to walk with you? To show you love?"

I laughed and kept walking.

I think my bf could use this

Are you haggard? Smelly? In need of a shower and a shave? In need of overall beautification? Then look no further than the Baldwinization(TM) Centers of America.

Again, a moment of Zen

Who are we kidding? It's been a hard week, folks. Us corporate types are getting tossed around like so much garbage. I think the first time I smiled all day was when I ran across these lyrics and reminenced about how good old Ross rapped with the song while chugging wine from a jug.

This is why I love my stepmother

Marta forwarded this to me today and I thought I would share:

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston

My response: "This is why Dad doesn't buy you jewelry."

Outing members of Congress

Did you all hear about the possible outing of Congressional representatives and staffers if they or their bosses vote for the FMA? Here's a really good article by Michelangelo Signorile

Sacrelicious Quote of the Day

From Gizmodo: "My guess? I think the original iPods were black, and then were later changed to white, just like they did to Jesus."

Shudder-Inducing Headline Of The Day

Right here.

Courtesy Dave Barry's Blog

Screw T-bonds. CNBC gets saucy...

Mmm, that's good shameless promotion.

This is too good to pass up: Cialis maker launches erection guarantee program.

Discuss.

I clearly can't handle mature conversations this early

Me: Hey, could you do me a favor?
Eliina: Yah? Smear jelly all over my face and take a picture?

Why look, it's our magazine idea

In series dubbed "Act One," the WSJ chronicles the financial lives of a group of twentysomethings. (Registration required.)

Discuss.

Mmmm.... Suburbia....

Here I am, practically running to a meeting that I'm already late for, when I'm stopped cold in my tracks by signage announcing the TASTE OF LINCOLNSHIRE.

I find this really, really wrong.

Don't say I never did anything for you

New on Craigslist: To the 2 hot guys at Sound Bar on 7/4.

"The hottest, most sexiest thing ever."

So says the civic minded Sean Combs of the upcoming presidential election.

Most of the scenes pulled together for the article are laughable, but all the power to him if it helps the Kerry/Edwards ticket.

Because I'm hungover and can't sleep

My new favorite place to get my drink and party on is Sound Bar. The gays (ahem, the gays and token straight) and I headed there to celebrate America's Independence or something.* Really, if you haven't been to Sound Bar, you must go. NOW! DROP EVERYTHING! GO! DO IT! AARRGHHHH!

As you can see, we had a very good time.


The only blight (or bright spot, for drama can be fun) was a pseudo love triangle that I had no desire to be a part of. Seriously, doesn't "I have a bf" stop anyone these days? Yes, I may be shaking my booty mere inches from your face, but that doesn't change the fact that you have absolutely no chance. In order to defuse the situation, I pulled over a couple of random girls that would be to Token Straight's liking. Bingo! Last I heard Token Straight was making time at the blonde's homestead. Ah, my work is done--I'm spent!

Randoms: So, there was a guy dancing about who looked EXACTLY like the roommate of my most recent ex. Considering this guy was wearing tight pants, and HAD HIS SHIRT ROLLED UP TO EXPOSE HIS BELLY, I think he's gay. Ex's roommate is not, and has a very serious gf. I'm just sayin'.


Also, this shemale was preparing in the ladies room. Freaked me out, but whatev.


Ah, the mating dance of the gays. These two guys twirled, gyrated, and teased one another on the dance floor for well over an hour. And our seats overlooking the floor gave us a great view. I don't usually like watching this kind of display, but this, this was HOT. The second of the two pictures isn't indicative of how they rocked the floor, but it'll have to do.


Not shown: Go go dancers cranked throughout each floor of the club. In honor of the 4th, each (save the near naked ones) was dressed in full festive attire. One was Uncle Sam, another was the Statue of Liberty. It must've been a million degrees inside those costumes.

Ah, sometime in the wee hours of the morning our adventure came to an end. Aww, Casey is all tuckered out.



*I'm glad people choose to celebrate America (Cubs win!) by lighting illegal fireworks and setting them off in the heart of Wrigleyville. A huge fiery piece of shit fell out of the sky not 10 feet from me at Addison and Clark, hitting a taxi and causing everyone to run for cover.

Holy Tanorexia, Batman!

Has anyone seen these EZ Link with Adam West? Is it just me, or does he not have the funniest tanning booth goggle tanline? You'd think they'd at least try a little to use makeup to blend it in...

The best of Unfocus Group

Seeing as how SOMEONE (*cough cough* Joel! *cough cough*) forgot to post the Best Of for Unfocus Group's birthday, I thought I'd take it upon myself to select some delectable morsels. What are yours?

Stephanie, the French, and sex

The day from hell

On Friendster cruising

A question of vocabulary

Because I can post pictures

So we're at Bar Louie the other night...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Telephone convo of the day

Holiday memory #1

Holiday memory #3

Spotted on my lawn

Casey's fratboy voice

Stephanie and shitholes

Getting personal

Cleo as the designated driver

Classy with a capital K

Belated congrats

Car porn

It's 6 a.m.-ish. I'm walking along Damen in Wicker Park, trying not to fall over and fall asleep in the gutter. I'm not really paying attention to anything in particular, when I suddenly hear giggling and moaning. Save for the occasional car, I'm completely alone--I stop and listen. There it is again. Definitely female giggling and indeterminate moaning of a sexual variety.

Since there was no one around, I thought I was having sexy Vietnam-esque audio flashbacks until I realized the source of the MORE SCREAMING: the 15-passenger van parked not 10 feet away. It was one of those vans that only has windows near the driver's seat.

I suppose someone needed a pick-me-up on the way to the office.

Talk About "The Reveal"

Paige Davis, the demonically cheerful hostess of TLC makeover show "Trading Spaces," bares ass. Now if only those carpenters would follow her lead.

I can have fun WHERE?

Forbes released its annual list of Best Cities for Singles, and it ain't pretty.

Austin snagged the top spot. OK, I can handle that. I hear it's fun in a Bush twin getting smashed kind of way. New York, LA, Boston, and San Fran all make the top ten. Fine. Good times. But Denver-Boulder? Washington-Baltimore? Atlanta? RALEIGH-DURHAM? Who are these people? What do they do for fun? Plus, Chicago is completely snubbed by the top ten. And as all of you Unfocusers know, Chicago is quite the sexy neon locale. Our sexy neon city is tops in culture, nightlife, and number of singles according to the report--readers even rank it as the number two fun city for singles. But the report denies us. Perhaps we're carrying a wee much bratwurst weight?

Perhaps I'm being short sighted. I've lived in LA, Boston, and Chicago, and have visited SF and NYC aplenty--all very fun, all simply fabulous. I'm just finding it hard to believe that serious fun can be had elsewhere. Is it just me?

Reality check

"COME AND GET US BILL RANCIC!"
-A sign posted across several office windows on the Sun-Times building. I noticed it the other day while I was on a water taxi--it's on the southern face of the building.

Wall Climbing

So last Friday I am sitting on my couch, minding my own business, checking out the latest vegitation on the boob tube, when I hear this noise. Scratch, scratch, scratch.

I have two cats so I figure it is one of them. No biggee. It happens all the time. Then I hear this meeeoooowwww!

I look down my hallway and do a doubletake. There is my tiger cat, Frankie, six feet above the floor, planted solidly on the wall, clinging on for dear life. He looks like Tom Cruise in the beginning on Mission Impossible 2. I guess he looked down and realized he was stuck because he looks at me and pleads, "Meeeeoooowww!" which I take is the cat version of "I'm screwed. Help me!" I pluck him off the wall. He is happy.

I took him to get declawed two days ago. (He is no longer happy.) I figure he only costs me $40 a month; my house is a little bit more of an investment. Oh well, no more wall climbing for him and at least if you come and visit us, you don't have to worry about a cat dropping on your head.