Fucking Republicans

God dammit! Will someone please explain to George H.W. Bush simple statistics? Namely, that:

(a) Even though you live in the country, it is not a given that you don't drink wine.
(b) Even though you live in New York City, it is not a given that you do drink wine.
(c) Even though you don't drink wine, you may still be a Democrat.
(d) Even though you drink wine, you may in fact be a Republican. Seriously, it's true. Ask a corporate CEO...he lives in New York.
Hey! Speaking of which:
(e) Even though you live in New York City, it is not a given that you be a Democrat.
(f) Even though you live in the country, it is not a given that you be a Republican.
(g) Not all people in rural America share your religious zeal. And even if they do, they don't conflate it with your platform. Really, some of us are brighter than that.
(h) When you reduce people to blunt stereotypes that demean their existences, and you see them as nothing more than "your base," you do tend to insult people's intelligences--you know, the intelligences you argue so passionately that they do not have.

Getting on and getting out

Today, during a project status meeting, I told one of my favorite colleague's (and a Kellogg alum) that I'm leaving the company. Her initial response (which included a playful bitchslap) was good.

But then we started talking about upcoming projects, projects that will kickoff after I leave. After she braindumped info on one that will need to be completed in three weeks (condensed from our typical 12-week schedule), I begin snickering. I always snicker when I hear impossible timetables at work. And thus, her true feelings were revealed.

Colleague: "Shut up, Cleo! Why do you care--you're leaving and I'll have to do all the work."

And everyone in the conference room laughed. And I felt a little guilty (and a little happy) because her comment is true.

Fuck

Let's start taking bets on whether Joel's Labor Day vacation will be spent boarding up windows and running like hell (home is at 33.7N 78.9W). (Note: this picture is taken directly from the Weather Underground website, and should update as they update it).

Screw that Left-wing shit...

Anyone here have the enjoyment of playing on Googlism?

Good stuff. It finds the funniest, Mad Libs stuff about anything and compiles them for you. For example, did you know that....

jon lewis is the core of the christian networking group. (I knew it! His true colors are coming out now...)

Also, some other things you might not know about Jon...

jon lewis is the bur that lies beneath the saddle of australian photography.
jon lewis is professor of english at oregon state university where he has taught film and cultural studies since 1983
jon lewis is available for public appearances
jon lewis is a 1985 graduate of yale law school and has an undergraduate degree with honors from wesleyan university
jon lewis is to have an operation on his groin tomorrow

And finally...
jon lewis is crc's new president

Also, some things you might not know about Ellen are:

ellen shapiro is a woman of strong convictions when it comes to art
ellen shapiro is this group's official good & welfare

As well as:
ellen shapiro is a singer/songwriter from washington dc

Anyway, it's an entertaining time waster at work.

Let Vukovich dance at the funeral

NEW YORK (AP) — Laura Branigan, a Grammy-nominated pop singer best known for her 1982 platinum hit Gloria, has died. She was 47. More

Interesting Tidbit

There are 3 Starbucks in the city of Detroit. There are 16 in O'Hare.

Movie Suggestion

It's been a slow morning at work, but fortunately my colleagues and I have a TV and plenty of bad cable to keep us entertained. Due to NBC's recent purchase of Universal, we now get the USA network.

It's something for which I'm now thankful, because without it, our morning would not have been nearly as entertaining.

We have just seen one of the most hilariously awful movies ever made: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.

It's just awful. Bad acting, bad plot, hysterically bad CGI, all coming together to make one of the most asstacular films ever.

I highly recommend this film to anyone with large amounts of time and liquor on their hands.

I've also got news

I accepted a client services manager position at Joel's employer. I'll be starting in mid-September.

I'll be back in E-town, where it all began.

Evanston? How about Hevanston?

Today I saw two things: a woman walking around in curlers (I really didn't think that happened outside of Hee Haw), and a twiggy girl with humongous breasts wearing an ill-fitting (read: tight) t-shirt that proclaimed "Boys *heart* B.J."

News from the Laird Household

So the easiest way to say this is to be direct: I am pregnant. Come the end of March, the world will have another Laird to contend with. Start praying now.

It's Official

"I'm thinking you can intimidate all the political wonks in the DC bars with your high-powered corporate ethos. Maybe I'll make you a T-shirt to wear at the clubs that says 'I'm a consultant. I can buy and sell you.'" ~Mark on my latest professional venture

This is so Joel and Cleo

True Snippets from a History of Conversations.

Discuss.

Out and About no. 648

"This song is about the kind of love that needs pixie dust... The kind of love where you still see all the other person's faults..." ~Musician who's name I cannot recall

@ the Underground Wonderbar, Aug. 19

Uh huh

Random strung out lady lurking near my apartment building: Hey, you got any matches?
Me (knowing full well I have a lighter in my purse): Um, sorry!
Random strung out lady: Oh, damn. It's a shame, cause WOW! You have great boobies.
Me (laughing, totally puzzled): Um.... Thanks....
Random strung out lady: It's true. Great shirt, too.
Me (wondering what's wrong with the way I'm dressed): Thanks....

Comments now suck less

You can thank me later.

Just when you wonder how things can go so wrong...

Something happens to make everything all right.

More news to come.

I didn't realize the little board game man played baseball

Joel and I also caught some randy action from our field box seats. Ah, the mating dance of the ballplayers. It all feels like some kind of wonderful sunny, horny, boozy dream...


Cubs v. Dodgers at Wrigley Field, Aug. 14. Jerry Lewis sang during the seventh inning stretch. Woo.

Drunk Bears

Here's a nice distraction for those of you at mind-numbing jobs (like me)...

Favorite line: "He drank the Rainier and wouldn't drink the Busch beer..."

Time-Wasting Goodness

The Hall Of Technical Documentation Weirdness, for when you don't know what to do.

Here's One Way To Keep A Gay Hold On The New Jersey Governor's Office

In an article about possible Democratic replacements for the newly fabulous James "Skeevy" McGreevey, The New York Times reports:

"If Mr. Corzine declined to run, that would leave Democratic officials with no clear consensus candidate. ... Some leaders have mentioned a host of possible contenders including State Senator John Adler."

What the...?!

You should read the full text for McGreevy's (short) resignation announcement. With that plus Califonia, it's been a weird, weird day...

Oy vey - Everything's gay!

First: California Supreme Court Invalidates SF Gay Marriages

Second: The Governor of New Jersey comes out, then resigns over gay affair

Third: ??

I can't wait to see what will be the next piece of gay news for today... maybe Hillary Clinton will start performing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" on the steps of the Capitol...

Speaking of It Just Can't Be That Easy!

AL QAEDA PLANS TO DROP GAY BOMBS
Men within 30 miles of the blast will instantly turn queer

EXTREMIST Muslim scientists are developing a bomb that turns anyone within a 30-mile radius of its blast into a homosexual, say U.S. Intelligence insiders.

It Just Can't Be That Easy!

Check out this story for a laugh! I love how the cop was both suspicious and amused at the same time.

Driver: "Arrest Me, I'm Drunk!"

That's one horny toad

When you're hanging out at Boystown's Market Days festival, you have certain expections that must be met. Namely, that there would be gays in attendance looking to relieve some, ahem, tension. (And relieving some tension they were! But alas, that's a separate story for a separate post.) But horny toads? Victor managed to purchase a horny wooden toad. See Joel, Victor, Casey, and Sarah pose seductively around it.


Apparently the horny toad delivered on its name.


However, this gentleman wasn't amused.

(Last photo: Taken at the Northbridge Mall, outside the Lego Store, downtown Chicago.)

This story just gets better

Dave Matthews driver denies muck dump on tourists

Addendum to Joel's rump post

"Sites to See" links added. (It really wasn't difficult, Joel.)

I rock.

It's about time that slack ass got off his rump

Well folks, here it is: the new and improved Unfocus Group. I'm still working on the template (including a snazzy logo courtesy Casey), but I thought I would put up what I had a scant three months after it was promised. I've turned on the Blogger commenting feature (sorry Laz), but the old comments are still available.

Let me know what you think and what you want to see.

Addendum to "Welcome to Chicago"

Bravo, Joel. Upon spewing my latest tale of career demotion woe to my coworker...

Coworker: It could be worse. You could be like those tourists downtown.

Me (grumbling): Eh, I think I would almost prefer to be shat on literally.

Welcome to Chicago!

The Chicago Architecture Foundation river cruise tour is one of my favorite things to do when out-of-town visitors come. I may have to reconsider after reading this:

Boat Tour Doused In Human Waste

CHICAGO (CBS 2) Riders on a Chicago architectural boat learned the hard way to enjoy the city's sights, but don't open your mouth in awe.

On Sunday, as a boat passed under the Grand Avenue bridge, passengers were soaked by human waste from a charter bus above.

Many of the passengers got nauseous. The boat captain sped back to the dock.

Five people were taken from the Chicago First Lady boat to Northwestern Memorial Hospital, where they were treated for exposure to E. coli and other forms of bacteria, and released, according to police.

The Chicago Architecture Foundation that arranged the tour issued refunds, paid for passengers cab fares and will pay to dry clean their clothes.

The Foundation also plans to contact the charter bus company and demand that its buses be inspected for defects.

No Wonder the English are So Damn Happy

Report: Prozac Found in Britain's Drinking Water

Drinking and eating, eating and drinking

You don't have to be a genius to figure out that any dinner party that I throw is really just a front for excessive drinking and mockery. And now, the highlights.

From the Ogre in the Oval Office

This is posted on the WHITE HOUSE'S website no less:

THE PRESIDENT:
...Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we...

Orbitz + Crack = Best. Movie. Ever.

View the trailer.

I Can't Believe No One Thought Of This Before

These robbers are fuckin' smart.

Electoralizing II

"Dubya" from the White House West in Crawford.

Discuss.

Step into my time machine

Those of you affiliated with NU and Medill may recall the "hardcore" competitive spirit that existed between the magazine students and the newspaper students. The competitiveness only intensified when many of us were away on junior year internships.

And by "competitiveness" I mean calling one another's respective publications namby-pamby names in order to inflate our egos to distract ourselves against the harsh reality that we were paying way too much money for an experience that much of the time truly sucked. I'm just sayin'.

Our friend Ross was able to put this competitive fire to words. So, for your general amusement and procrastination, I present you with "Don't Be Dissin' No Magazines". (That Cheney reference at the end? Yeah, it's from winter 2001.)

yo cooper,
i know you may be working real hard now that all those hulking guys are all on spring break in their backward, fraternity visors and hemp necklaces and their permanent stubble and square jaws, drinking Vodka and Sunny D "Florida Style" out of a plastic Big Gulp cup and trying to get with some "grade A, premium meat" girls- you know, girls who are flattered by the music of LFO and buy their tops at "baby Gap"-on the beach. They bring all those charges of statutory rape and public drunkeness and sometimes they smash shit 'cause they're white and friggin' oppressed. i know the news beat must be pretty extraordinary because of this. but, do not be dissin' no magazines. next spring, i'll be working so hard at my two personal top choices- Men's Health or Cat Fancy- that you'll have to be all eating your words, fool. i gonna write the lead stories for Men's Health- such as smoking Virginia Slims and eating Parkay straight out of the container increases sexual stamina and virility and that sleeping in a meat locker once a week, while wrapping yourself in a throw rug, keeps you looking and feeling at your peak. At Cat Fancy, i will expose the "faces of addiction" to cat nip and edit the "tabby talk" section- which humorously, and, i argue, profoundly, imagines(or perhaps-KNOWS) what a cat is thinking all day, such as "if my owners didn't feed me 'sheba,' that cat food served in a crystal dish with parsley, i'd kill them in their sleep in a new york minute." so, in closing, i find it offensive that you be all belittling the work we magazine folk do each day. I bet cleo is all working like a machine at this very minute- and on top of that, being plunged into the seedy yet intriguing underworld of pre-professional twentysomething coke fiends on the weekends. that's tough work-i've been there, you know. i'm from minnesota.
anyways, enjoy your last weeks of TN/TM. what you two taking next quarter, btw?
-Ross
P.S. Who wants to bet on when Cheney's gonna kick the bucket? i give him three months. Ain't no makin' it for him.

advice for the ignorant, but photographically-inclined

Okay all you tech geeks and aspiring photo journalists, a question: I'm planning to get a digital camera for my birthday in September (and by get, I mean ask my parents for...), but I don't know anything about digital cameras. What should I get, and why? (Feel free to e-mail me, if you have much to say, or things I should look at, or something extra-naughty to pass along.) Thanks!

It's a shame Joel's bday's in February...

...Cuz I've got a mighty nice picture of his love handles from our romp at the beach.

What exactly am I blathering on about? It seems that our pal Casey got roped into a rather embarrassing Friendster plot targeting some shirtless guy named Ryan. I would love to mastermind something like this for Joel sometime. (Shhh! Don't tell him! It's a surprise!)


Note: This is a picture of Ryan, not Joel's love handles.

In other news...

A bit of advice: Never get drunk at Sugar on a 6-hour layover in Chicago then try to act sober getting through security at Midway. That was the longest day of my life.

Back Home

Hey all, back home to D.C.

I didn't realize that the news out of Hawaii traveled as far as we did, but I'm glad APA has the courage to say what the evidence shows and to encourage responsible decision-making in Congress that is based on facts.

Hoo-hah!

Electoralizing I

"If you don't like what you see going on around you, if it offends you and your sensibilities, then you have to go out and say something, do something. If you don't, then you've already lost. And I don't like getting punked like that." --Barack Obama, uttered during a conversation with DNC "correspondent" Andre 3000 on Real Time with Bill Maher (courtesy Laz)