Master debaters

Where are you watching tomorrow's presidential debate? The Chicago Historical Society is holding a reception and discussion prior to screening the debate, and Kerry-Edwards supporters are holding house parties to raise some last minute funds, tally Bush's grammatical errors, and throw shoes at the TV together.

The Hell?

You know, I'm all for more lesbians on TV, but this makes no fucking sense.

Play, with Jon!

Hey all you Chicago-land folks - come see "Assassins," the Tony award winning Sondheim musical, assistant directed by your very own Jon Adler - this weekend only!

Thank goodness SC isn't a swing state

Otherwise, my house would be toast.

(Thanks to Chris J.)

Ah, the sights of fall

You know it's school season when you have to step over dried vomit on the sidewalk, and spot things such as this:

It's not very clear, but that's an overturned loveseat in the street near the Noyes Street el stop.

Walking for the AIDS

AIDS Walk 5K Chicago, 9/18............

Note the time on the event clock behind us. Even the Jamba Juice bananas beat us.

Even more insanity on Unfocus Group

I'm pleased to welcome Eliina to our happy fun blogging family. Take some time to show Eliina around and make her feel at home.

A story about a sad old guy at a bar, playing off his former fame

So, Eliina and I were having a drinky-McDrink drink at the Edgewater Lounge, a delightful little neighborhood dive. An middle age gentleman, wearing a Polo tee, Bermuda shorts and boat shoes, ambles by.

Old, drunk, pretentious guy (to Eliina): Hey, stop being so cute!
Eliina : Huh?
Pretentious guy: Oh, your Dad would probably get it.
Eliina and me (in unison, totally lost): What?
Pretentious guy: Oh, I see you're not from Chicago.
Us: No, we're not.
Pretentious guy (puffing himself up, clearly proud): Are you familiar with the New Orleans Saints?
Eliina: Is that a baseball team? Hockey? What?
Pretentious guy (still proud): What about the Chicago Bears? (No response. You could hear a pin drop.) My name is Terry Schmidt, I used to play football for those teams.
Us: Oh.
Terry Schmidt: Yeah!

And he walks away like he's the shit. What the fuck?!

Mo' music, yo

Anybody interested in seeing Death Cab for Cutie at the Riviera on 10/14? Lemme know....

Wow

I think someone needs to tell Cybill Shepherd that she died...

I smell bestseller...

This book is for sale, I shit you not. Read the reviews, they're priceless.

Spotted at Blockbuster

Yes, that's Jesus Christ, Superstar on an entire display of The Passion of the Christ.

Welcome to my nightmare

As seen in the courtyard of my apartment building.

Gotta Love the Marketing Department

And now I present to you, the Suck Clock:



It's also referred to as the "Suck Bubble Clock". Either way, it's hilarious. Via Gizmodo.

Ms. B goes to Washington

For 361 days this year, Washington, D.C.--built in the low lying swamplands near the Potomac River--will be a cesspool of political corruption and greed. How refreshing, then, that for four wonderful days, consultant Cleo can arrive with a breath of noble and honorable air to show these bureaucrats what clean living is all about. A photo essay of Cleo's visit:

After Chernobyl, when things fell off, this store is where all the D.C. studs go to get new ones. Cleo and I window-shopped for, you know....friends.




In Washington, such protests are normal. This was kooky, until the guy nearly dropped it and killed us both. Cleo and I on the cross. How ironic.

I needed a new wardrobe, so we did some shopping...

Then we took in the must-see sights. Here's Cleo in front of the Executive Office Building, which is next door to the White House. The architect committed suicide after critics pronounced the building's design a hideous failure. Before he died, I think he also designed Northwestern's library.

As you can see by the blue sky, it was a nice day and a gorgeous tour. That's what I like about Washington--it's beauty. And nowdays in this post-9/11 world, as an added bonus, we can enjoy a kinder, gentler, safer D.C.--a place whose inviting nature makes it an emblematic icon of American hospitality.



But after our tour of the Mall, it was pretty much all drinking...


...and more drinking (P-Coop's birthday is now in September, in case you were unaware)...


...and still more down-home boozing....


...then finally, some eating...


Of course, when dining in Washington, nothing beats a fine meal of seafood. Why? Well, unlike the red meat here, seafood isn't possessed...



Better yet, you can describe and sell seafood here using the same adjectives and rates that you would for some desperate hookers:


No, I'm serious. See?



We finished off the weekend by detoxing during a leisurely stroll through Georgetown. For those of you who don't know the area, Georgetown is a very upscale, swanky neighborhood in D.C., nothing like the crazy low-brow scene in Adams Morgan. After spending a weekend in the moral gutter, I felt good going somewhere to window shop with decency.



Ha! Weren't we surprised to see horny mannequins! Oh, mercy! Well, we considered it a popped cherry on the top of a Labor Day weekend sundae of fun. Alas, it was time for Cleo to go. Until her next visit, I will be here in our nation's capital wondering: Just how does the anatomy on this mannequin work?


THE END (?)

The Title Says It All...

...and now the news - in Klingon!

Goofy Gone Wild!

Hey now, it's a family theme park!

For you super secret sex spies out there

I'm unclear on the precise usage of this product.

Is it a real lipstick that vibrates as you apply it?

Would you put it...?

Whatever! It's hott!

At least she knows what's important

My mom and grandparents decided to scare the shit out of me by staying for the onslaught of Ivan (they live in Niceville, FL, 100 miles east of Mobile, where the goddamn thing is going ashore). So at 8pm, I got the following e-mail from my mom:

It's starting....Okaloosa Island was covered up @ 2:00. 30 ft. waves coming on shore in Destin. I pulled the alcohol out of the cabinet. Jake's [the dog] sleeping.
Love, Mom

Home Sweet Home

This editorial, featured on Fark and sent to me via Ellen (thanks Ellen!), provides a good idea of what living in South Carolina is like. The police apparently have absolutely nothing to do--it's reminiscent of a "swingers sting" I heard about, but I believe that was the Myrtle Beach PD, not Horry County.

Oh, and this piece was authored by a high school classmate of mine.

How I chose to celebrate my last day of work

Scenes in no particular order:

-Got a manicure with Eric at Hydrate.
-While drying and intoxicating at said club, witnessed a man sprawl on a seat nearby and place one of his ankles behind his head. I think he was trying to show us how healthy and alive he is.
-After I greeted and hugged a woman at the bar, Eric asked me who she was. I reply, "Oh, she waxes my--"
-Drunkenly perused Cupid's Treasures while Eric chatted with his mother on his cell.
-"Carnation instant slut": Then, Gumby decided to expose himself to a gentleman nearby. Eric's reaction was priceless.

Philosophizing Moment

Seen on Halsted near Roscoe, Chicago.

About the season finale of Six Feet Under

Holy shit.

The New York Times on the season finale.

the wit and wisdom of Bill Maher

"I won't go so far as to say Iraq is becoming another Vietnam, and you know why? Because in Vietnam, George Bush had an exit strategy." - Bill Maher, live at Skyline Stage on navy Pier on Friday night, where I was with Jonathan and Cleo

Money quote

The Trump on season one Apprentice winner Bill Rancic: "Asked if his new apprentice had made any important decisions, though, he replied, 'Not up to this point.'"

Why I Love Roger Ebert

"The movie is an utterly meaningless waste of time. There was no reason to produce it, except to make money, and there is no reason to see it, except to spend money. It is a dead zone, a film without interest, wit, imagination or even entertaining violence...

My next logistical puzzlement involves killing the zombies. They die when you shoot them. Fine, except Umbrella Corp. has developed some mutants who wear bulletproof armor. Zillions of rounds of ammo bounce off this armor, but here's a funny thing: The mutants do not wear helmets, so we can see their ugly faces. So why not just shoot them in the head? Am I missing something here?...

...Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children."

-on Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

"I'm just a shot away from you..."

Anybody wanna see Franz Ferdinand on 9/30 at the Riviera Theatre? Email me pronto if interested.

Who knew British romantic comedies could be so good

I am currently listening to the Love, Actually soundtrack. ("Jump" by the Pointer Sisters is the best way to start a day.) The issue here, however, is why aren't you?

Who knew New Jersey could be so good

I am currently listening to the Garden State soundtrack. The issue here, however, is why aren't you?

Ivan Update

The latest projected path is in, courtesy of Dave Barry.

Wednesdays with Rufus

Rufus Wainwright at the Vic, Wednesday October 13, $26. Anyone interested?

Today's Fun Video

This got mentioned on Fark, but here's a video of some dumbasses at the Missouri Dept. of Transportation trying to implode one section of a bridge...and trashing the whole damn bridge instead.

Via Casey

Q: Uh … right. So, if I start dating a gay Republican, how are we going to get along?

A: Are you a bottom?

Your Cabin or Mine? Looking for Mr. Right-Wing

See also: Score one for the Girlie Men, This is so Joel and Cleo

The Internet is fun

From: "Joel"
To: "Cleo"
Subject: Hi
Date: Wed, 8 Sep 2004 02:16:15 +0000

So I was perusing Friendster just now, and noticed that your status is “In a Relationship.” Just thought I’d let you know. And ask, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHY AM I FINDING OUT FROM FRIENDSTER!? ;-)

Love,

Your friend,

Joel

Score one for the Girlie Men

For those of you who saw Patrick Guerriero speak in February, it looks like he kept his word.

Log Cabin Republicans Won't Endorse Bush

Hanging fast and loose, DC-style

-You may think the bartender is doing you a favor by pouring 10 ounces of vodka goodness and adding only the lightest splish of Red Bull. But you're wrong. Very, very wrong. I'm never drinking again.

-Casual sex is alive and well in our nation's capital. I say this not as a participant, but as an observer of two scantily-dressed women who writhed and humped one another on the dancefloor of Tom Tom, only to leave with a complete stranger a mere moment after he groped and made out with them.

-I'd like to take a moment to thank my hosts in the nation's capital, who allowed my vomit into their home.

-I was nearly squashed by a man carrying an eight-foot tall wooden cross near The Mall.

To be continued...

Well you know where my mind is

I just read the headline "Bush and Kerry Hit Road, Trade Blows on Jobs" as "Bush and Kerry Hit Road, Trade Blowjobs."

It's time to bounce

I'm off to Washington DC to visit the boys and have a politically incorrect time. Strories and pictures to come.

A Marital Coincidence

I have two weddings to go to this fall:

Sunday, September 26th - Tara Tidwell marries Brendan K. Cullen
Sunday, October 10th - Becky Krouner (my friend from high school) marries Brendan K. Cullen.

Huh?!

How is it possible that I'm going to the weddings of TWO Brendan K. Cullen's in less than a month?!