My SUPPOSED gay date

So, Joel and I went on a date at DOC Wine Bar on Clark. I was little aware of his true intentions, which were presented to me on his placemat...


...As well as his smoldering man-stare.





Had I known his true feelings, a lady such as I would have never joined him for dinner.

I swear I'm living with Jabba the Hutt

God she's fat.

Huge Crack on Freeway Almost Causes Accident

A picture speaks a thousand words. Or sometimes, a thousand kilos.

Yet another useless Internet tool

Frappr! We can all post where we are and create a nice little UFG map.

This is going to put Monistat out of business

Original Pussy Beer - Made from vagina yeast!

As a gay man, all I have to say is eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

*Seen on the trail leading to Kartchner Caverns State Park outside of Tucson, AZ. October 23, 2005. 

Hatemonger-ey

I hate Nate and Liz.

They turned me into an alcoholic. Again.

I also hate them for stopping the car and letting me get sick all over Santa Monica Blvd.

Hurmph.

Cam'ron's statement after the shooting

Post: "I got shot three times and my album comes out Nov. 22."

Someone's Not A Chris Rock Fan

Specifically, someone at MSNBC, who came up with the following amusingly unfortunate teaser:


And if you don't know what it means, then you're a lucky person without one of the more disturbing mental images EVER tattooed upon your psyche.

This disturbing moment brought to you by Gawker.

Ode to Hijacked Luggage

I just re-purchased a pair of shoes, the same size, color, and style, as a pair I purchased only six days ago.

Thank you, United Airlines, for making this moment possible for me. I always wanted to find a new, perverse way of parting with my money.

I hope your one of your sweaty, beefy baggage handlers is enjoying my dainty underfashions.

The sweetest thing

"Hey, hey, hold on a sec," said the driver this evening on the #151 Sheridan bus headed north out of downtown. He stopped the bus at an intersection near the Lincoln Park Zoo.

"This will only take a second. I just want to wish all the ladies here a happy Sweetest Day."

And with that, all the women collapsed into a puddle of "AWWWWW". One of the four men on the packed bus cleared his throat.

One of the women at the front asked, "Excuse me, do you have a girlfriend?"

I really needed that after the week I've had (lost luggage on United and so forth).

Postcards From Mom

My mother writes via e-mail: "Here's a post card I found while cleaning - bought it years ago, but still holds true today."

Ex-knight sues Medieval Times

Says his lawyer of the Schaumburg chain: "The name on the door says Medieval Times, and I guess that should be a message to the employees that's what they're in for."

Full-dress photo included with article.

I'd like to do some laps on the way to the chapel, thanks

Saturday night, after a fabulous dinner at Zealous, Cleo, the Jons and I spotted a Hummer limo with two sets of rear wheels. Now, the Wall Street Journal examines this phenomenon. My favorite part evokes images of Austin Powers:

Ken Strauch, who drives a stretched 31-foot Ford Excursion, says it took him at least 15 tiny, back-and-forth maneuvers earlier this summer to make it around a corner there, with a nervous out-of-town family in the back.

Plushy?

Meet the Weenie Babies.

Gah!

*Courtesy Gawker

A tidal wave of questions have washed over me, my friends, and my coworkers.

Why did we receive no warning?

Who are these cuties looking at us?

Should we post better pictures??