2005: A Retrospective (Part I)

Scene: At Jon's compound on Cape Cod, an evening during Memorial Day weekend. About 15 friends, old and new, are assembled in the living room. The atmosphere is intense, as the group has divided into teams and is playing a fierce game of Catch Phrase.

It's mid-round, and the unit has been passed to me. I'm no slouch at this game.

"Erm, okay. When I put my lips together and blow, just like this--"

I pretend to whistle without making any sound because that was, um, the word. I'm silently thankful for an easy word; this hot potato will be outta my hands in no time.

"What am I doing?"

Oh shit, too late. I left myself vulnerable for attack. I glimpse at Joel--he totally lost it. The group lit into me.

"A stranger!"

"A priest!"

"An acquaintance!"

"Keanu Reeves!"

Doesn't matter, because my team went on to win the round as well as most of the others that night. At the end of the round, I pointed a finger at each of my teammates.

"I don't feel any support from my team! Does my team have my back? I don't think so!"

That was a great weekend, guys. Thanks for the memories.

I think we're worth more, don't you?

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?

Ollie's on Diversey

Last night I was out to dinner with a gentleman friend at a bar. We're getting settled in our seats when we notice a woman, who's extremely short with massive boobs, shaking her ass and grabbing her chest for the amusement of her friends nearby.

Not skipping a beat, my gentleman friend whips out his wallet and thrusts a dollar bill in the air. This is all very funny and we laugh and talk with the lady...

Later, as we're about to tuck into our meal, the woman pops over and takes a seat next to me.

Boob Lady: "Are you two on a date?"
Me [hesitating]: "Um, no."
Boob Lady: "You're not? I like coming around and embarrassing people on dates. You're really not out together?"
Me [not sure where I stand with my friend]: "No. Really. No."
Boob Lady [turning to my friend]: "What the hell! Why aren't you with her? She's so cute! I'd fuck her!"
Boob Lady's boyfriend strolls up and tucks a wad of cash between her cleavage and they depart.

There's just something about this place. Over the summer, I was seated at the bar having a drink and waiting for my date to arrive. An older gentleman started chatting me up until he realized I was waiting for someone. Upon learning that it was a first date and it was a blind one at that, he told me he'd hang out at the bar and keep an eye on us to see how we were doing.

Overheard In A Different Airport

A small boy traveling with his parents, sister, and grandparents is making a very large amount of noise. His exasperated grandfather notices that the other passengers are starting to get irritated.

Grandfather: Hey, I have an idea! Let's see who can be the quietest!
Small Boy: (very loud voice) No, I don't want to play that game!
Other Passengers: (tittering, and thanking God they don't travel cross-country with their small children)

Overheard in an airport

Scene: Girl, approximately in her early 20s is chatting on her phone while thumbing through a Marie Claire. Her mother sits next to her, half paying attention.

Girl: In Argentina, they wear yellow underwear on New Year's for good luck. And they write letters with their wishes and burn them so they come true.
Mother: They burn their underwear??
Me: *bursts into laughter*

Weirdest Friendster Ever

So, this popped up in my Friendster message box tonight:



Meow indeed.

Freaks and geeks and their toys

Question:

Do you (or anyone you know) keep naked photos of yourself on your camera phone?

Delicious Christmas

Happy holidays from Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Tracey Morgan and Chris Kattan of SNL. (Click on the image below to watch.)

If you want to see the the effects of drinking, illegal substances, and fire on my friends, check out this cute little movie from Jessi's Christmas party last weekend.

I think this is what it's all about

Tonight, after my typical Thomas Christmas Eve “experience,” I flew to Ohio to spend the rest of the holiday with my mom’s family. My mom and brother picked me up in the airport, which is nothing notable in itself, but what happened next was totally unexpected.

On the drive home, the three of us just talked. I talked about my difficulties with my dad, and they shared their experiences. They told me about the batty things my grandparents had done, and we recounted experiences from Christmases past. My favorite story is when my brother at age 10, tried to rewrap a present he had opened when no one was home. Of course, it looked nothing like it did before, and my mom was not pleased. The gift he opened was an “awesome” pair of Converse hi-tops. My brother told me “by the time she let me wear those things, they were out of style!” Who knew he could be so clever?

I’ve never been close with my brother. He and my mom never got along. But in the last few years, he’s done an incredible amount of maturation (he’s 29). There we were, in the car, making a connection I’d never felt before. We weren’t worrying about gifts, or stuffing our faces, or bickering about insipid things. We were just enjoying being with our family.

There’s something so rare and special about the 20 minutes we spent in the car. We shared a common bond, a common experience, the true meaning of family and of Christmas. That was the most special gift of all.

Merry Christmas to all of my Unfocus Group friends!

Enjobbened

Well, I finally got off my lazy ass and got a job. I will be working for a very small German company that makes equipment for automating research laboratory experiments (I won't mention the name here to prevent Googleability). I'll be one of three guys in the US, doing sales, installation, training, and maintenance. It's very exciting and I'll have a huge set of responsibilities, which will hopefully look good for future jobs and business school.

Do You Have A Flight From Hell Story?

You know, one of those stories (inevitably set around this time of year) where your flight gets cancelled and your luggage gets sent to Mars and your ride forgets to pick you up from the airport?

Well, no matter how bad your shitty flight story is, these people can top it.

I like #10

David Letterman's Top 10 Signs You're A Gay Cowboy.

It's so fucking cold

Me [bundled up and doing a little dance to stay warm while waiting for the El]: God, I'm so glad the train is here. I love the Purple Line Express.
Male coworker [pantomining and speaking in a high falsetto voice]: Awww, I love you too Cleo! Thanks for riding me today!

Peas, Make it Stop

I don't know if I'd classify the Black Eyed Peas' awful new song "My Humps" as quite the crime against humanity that this Slate article makes it out to be, but it certainly makes its argument in amusing form:

Irony and camp have recast taste as an ethical shell game and we feel no guilt celebrating things that are, in the parlance of VH1, Awesomely Bad. But are there still songs that qualify as "bad"? Consider the Los Angeles hip-hop quartet the Black Eyed Peas. Their current single, "My Humps," is one of the most popular hit singles in history. It is also proof that a song can be so bad as to veer toward evil.

God, I love overintellectualized analysis of pop culture.

How women determine if men are ready to have children

"So, I was sitting on the couch the other day watching TV, and my wife comes over looking upset and says, 'If I wasn't here right now, what would you feed the baby?' I thought for a moment. 'Hot dogs?' She didn't like that." --One of my currently childless coworkers, on the couple's state of familial consideration

First Arrested Development, now this

From the NY Times: Three Issues Into New Life, Radar Magazine Is Being Shut Again

The hipster in me just killed herself.

Boise Rules

Where else could we have many top-shelf cocktails, eat like kings (seared ahi tuna, anyone?), hang out at a Chicago-caliber hipster lounge, and only spend $100 for three people?

The Mayor At Home (His Parents' Home...)

At home with the nation's youngest mayor, Michael Sessions, age 18.

1,002nd Post

I wanted to make the 1,000th post, but Cleo went and posted two in a row and then Coop beat me to it. In honor of this momentus milestone, I've prepared a best of Unfocus Group from the past 30 months.

04/28/2003 - The post that started it all
05/04/2003 - My dad uses the phrase “screw it into a stud.”
05/11/2003 - Cleo, the designated driver
05/30/2003 - Stephanie ponders the meaning of the word choam.
06/03/2003 - Elisa observes a remarkable, tear-jerking sight at a wedding.
06/19/2003 - Jon finds a little bit of trailer park magic in his own backyard.
06/23/2003 - Cleo gets a little personal with Rick Bayless and I celebrate the judiciary.
07/11/2003 - A waiter analyzes my drink choices.
07/17/2003 - Jon has a deep connection with a phone operator.
08/14/2003 - Victor misinterprets the rituals of straight dating.
09/27/2003 - Casey starts off with a bang with his cat poetry.
12/08/2003 - UFG is pegged as obtuse.
12/24/2003 - My aunt becomes a woman.
02/18/2004 - My dad supports the idea of gay marriage… in his way.
05/18/2004 - Victor and Cleo walk for… something.
05/31/2004 - More walking
07/02/2004 - What Cleo thought was the best a year and a half ago.
07/05/2004 - This one isn’t all that entertaining, but those dancing dudes were fucking hot!
07/17/2004 - Cleo finds a thong in her courtyard.
07/31/2004 - And another one
08/30/2004 - Mark finds out the true story behind Jon Lewis.


I only made it through August of last year before my eyes started to cross. Stayed tuned for the rest. Be sure to contribute your favorite posts too!

Happy thousand posts!

Cleo's post hit the grand. I wish the blog a happy thousand more.

Boise

I'm stopping by Idaho today. Anybody need me to pick up anything for them?

Want to start a gang?

Slate explains how to get a street gang up and running. Bonus: How the Crips got their name and how Chicago's Latin Kings started.

Snow Sucks According to Aidan

Champaign got seven inches of snow last week, and I, being the cruel mother I am, decided Aidan should experience it. So after wrapping the child in probably far too many layers and a snow suit, I plopped him in our front yard. Here is his reaction:



He acted as though he couldn't move. He kept crying until Daddy and Sadie came and rescued him.

I have to say that I just might agree with him if this cold weather keeps up.

Portapotty + Jet Engine = Awesomeness

I'm an avid reader of Car and Driver, and each year as part of their 10Best list, they do a 10Best Winner and Losers feature. This particular winner caught my eye:

Paul Stender really had to go. So he attached a 50-year-old Boeing jet engine to an outhouse--with the original toilet seat doubling as the driver's seat--and used the wall-mounted urinal to funnel 12 gallons of JP-4 fuel into a holding tank. Result: a top speed of around 46 mph.

"It's not real aerodynamic," Stender confessed to Popular Science, which in turn explained to the readers how they could duplicate the flying loo for $10,000. Stender said he no longer equips his biffy with toilet paper because it tends to get sucked into the turbine.

The Speeding Outhouse - Popular Science

Bareback Mounties

Overheard at a Christmas party in Boystown last night....

Some flaming guy in head-to-toe Ben Sherman knockoffs* talking to a group: "Oh yeah, have you heard about that new movie with Ethan Hawke? Bareback Mountain? It's going to be so hot."

*Justified cattiness in my book, as this fella was a total dick to me upon first meeting.

The Straight Dude's Guide ...

... to Brokeback Mountain.

Annals Of Unfair Scottish Governmental Decisions

Elisa and Ray, you're just going to have to wheel out your bins yourselves.

Won't somebody please think of the children?!

To Help You Shop For My Brother This Holiday Season

So I spend $20 on a Christmas present for my brother, then make the mistake of calling him to ask what else he might like in the $20-30 range. I present his response below. Before you ask, I have no idea what "a craft of milk" is.

I've been thinking about you asking me what I want for Christmas for under $20.00 because you've already done half of my gift buying. I have no idea. That's like giving me a craft of milk, and asking me what the type of feed the cow eats ... or maybe not. I don't know, it's been really hard. I need some cologne, but if that's too much get me a nice-looking dress shirt I can wear as standard uniform with jeans and sandals to the bar. What I've been really looking for is a T-shirt of the 1986 Mexico Olympics where the two American track and field athletes "raised up their fists for black freedom" in black (large). That's probably too specific, but I think that it would be sweet.

Indeed. So if any of you have any T-shirts laying around from the 1986 Mexico Olympics -- which I am fairly certain never took place -- please drop me a line. Thanks much, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS BILL O'REILLY. HAPPY SECULAR LIBERAL ATHEIST HOLIDAYS.

Brokeback Mountain

The New Yorker has kindly made the original short story behind this Oscar-buzz-generating-Venice-Film-Festival-Winning movie available on line.

And Couresy of MSNBC, "the straight dude's guide to Brokeback" might prove useful to some of you.

Pre-flight pee

Why you should pee before getting on the plane...

You Say It's Your Birthday

Since today is Mark's 25th birthday, I've put together a little photo gallery in his honor.

Here's hoping he doesn't use his newfound car-renting abilities to come to California and kick my ass.

Wet hot American consultant

The past week has been a doozy. But I've been fortunate to learn some important lessons this week, namely:

-Never check your bags. You'd think this would've been knocked into me when I lost my bags on my San Francisco to Florida trip back in October. Long story, but when I arrived in Santa Barbara on Tuesday night my bag was nowhere to be found.

-If you ever arrive at a hotel late at night without clothing, make friends with the staff and they'll lend you some sweet threads. Now I'm forever in debt to the clerks for fulfilling my insane request and making me look good for my meeting the next morning.

-If you lose your luggage, it will most likely be returned at precisely the moment you no longer need it. After my meeting, I headed back to the hotel to return the suit I borrowed. As I was walking through the front door, a delivery man from the airline was standing in the lobby with my suitcase.

-And finally, if you're seated next to a cute someone on your flight, don't be a dweeb and not talk to him until halfway through the trip (even though you can feel that someone peeking at you throughout the flight). I totally could've spent more time getting to know him during my flight.